what it tells me about writing is whatever I imagine it tells me about
writing. I try not to do too much of that because as soon as I'm thinking
about writing as a subject, my mind is off of what I've read. And onto the
academic subject of writing, which is a totally different thing.
I like a movie where I'm not walking out saying, that was a great movie, but
where I'm walking out not saying anything. Still in it.
And I think the only way something like that gets created in the first place
is where the person doing the writing or acting or movie making is
fundamentally "in it" instead of somewhere above it trying to push some
arbitrary aesthetic idea or manipulating characters and audience.
Sure, it can be done -- that's the world of technique. It's proven
effective. But it will never have the power of intuitive connection,
spontaneity, and identification. It's the forebrain at work. Not the being
at work.
I may not be answering your question here because I probably don't
understand it. Or maybe what there is to question. You wrote something.
There it is. It exists.
Totally different subject. Perfectionism. Perfectionism is the result of
early exposure to great fear (like in abuse). You want to avoid it
afterwards. Therefore things have to be perfect. Unfortunately the
prefectionism masks the internal mistaken learned identity between love and
pain/drama/violence. You learn the shape of love from your parents and you
then practice it on your lovers. Either as victim or victor. Of course the
perfectionism (and logic system) absolutely deny you the consciousness of
that fact -- you hate your early abusers (just as much as you seem to be
hating your present ones -- where are they all coming from?) and wouldn't
think of being abusive yourself. (Often by changing the modality from
physical to emotional) Naturally you drink and drug attempting to put out
out the fires with gasoline. You wash your wounds in it and you burn up your
mind with what pretends to be anaesthesia.
The only way to get out of the whole mess is to get into something entirely
different. As long as you drag your history with you, rather than revering
it (yeah that's right, that's real separation from it) as the means by which
you come into present awareness. Not draggging it with you DOES NOT mean NOT
experiencing, remembering, talking about, thinking about, writing about, or
feeling the feelings connected with it. It means not taking responsibility
for yourself in the present with the full wisdom of your experience. Letting
the condemnation you were first subjected continue to drive your approach to
yourself and others.
Not recognizing the sacred nature of human existence. Which is that you are
not-other-than all potential, all history, all which came before, and all
which will come, focused together, into this one irreplaceable moment.
Forgetting that.
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