>
>but, er, i DO read along, the continuing story.
>have even retold ~it~ to amazed friend in oz...
i dunno... why is it amazing?
to me, there is a thing. and the thing needs. so i do.
not the first time, either, i do stuff here too, when i can. last
year i picked two streetkids, teenagers, off the street. they were
panhandling on the corner. so i helped them to think. one of the
things they got to think about was, you have no right to beg. there
are people who too fucked up to do otherwise, they have no choices.
you are not one of those. the other thing i said, and there are
people starving, in other countries, those people don't have a
choice. you are not one of those either.
they had been on the street for a while, in montreal. or had a place
than fucked it up and then on the street again. then they came here,
to vancouver.
then i helped them get welfare, find a place to live. then i said,
oke, now go home to montreal, cause one, you speak only french and
two, you are amazingly ignorant and need to go back to school. this,
to the girl, julie. she was actually a nice intelligent girl.
talented too, just kinda lost and very ignorant. as an example, she
didn't realize that people in other countries spoke different
languages. she had left school at 15 to go live with the guy. the
guy, fred, had been on the street since he was 14, father alcoholic,
mother dead, i think, i don't remember. only, fred thought freedom to
be able to live on the street, panhandling. i said, not freedom that,
that is stupid. freedom means having a choice. freedom to choose. in
fact you are in jail. stupidity jail.
julie listened. and talked. she needed to talk, and to listen. sure,
she was impressed by me out of a sort of romanicism. but that's
okay. i was being cynical and used it. my, you know, cachet. that's
what she needed. me, older and living her romantic preconception of
"artist". so then i pushed it some more, i also wanted her to listen
that one cannot save people. the love thing that gets mixed up with
saving. she thought she was saving fred from drugs. he used to do
drugs, first glue then heroin. but had quit that.
cause i knew fred cannot listen. he is too scared of losing. but
julie is stronger. she listens.
now they are back in montreal. julie has gone back to school, will
finish highschool this year, and then to college. she wants to be an
art teacher.
she just got her own place, is very proud. fred is still along, but i
don't know for how long. she is now a lot stronger. well, maybe he
gets smarter. maybe he will.
heh... now julie's mother writes me emails. you know, thanking me and
stuff. that's kinda uncomfortable, actually.
see, i know it's always a risk, to do stuff. sometimes nothing helps.
and sometimes people fuck you over. sometimes you are wrong and
should stay away. but sometimes there is a need and there is a
difference. just a little difference will do.
i am not a good person. i am mean. i am impatient, and i am often
lazy. when i am mean and impatient i hurt people. i can read it in
their faces. and when i am lazy i hurt myself. i am no saint, that's
for fucking sure.
i am also selfish, all this is selfish. being able to read peoples
faces, i can read happy too. and when i do, it makes me happy.
sometimes it makes me so happy i want to cry. selfish, wanting their
happy.
>>so... maybe i just said that cause of that little bit of
>>guiltfeeling. maybe i thought you guys had also questioned my
>>sanity/motives... as much as i have/am.
>
>sometimes i don't feel like part of 'you guys'...
>and then i start to question _my_ sanity/motives...
but of course you are a "youguys"! me and youguys, you and weguys.... heh
>>you know what i mean, steve? when one obsessively transforms
>>experience into art, subject into object? i know i am a bit rambling
>>here, but i think about it.
>
>neither am i steve.
>but i think i know what you mean.
>i thought of that perspective while you were writing back from over there...
>but i didn't hold that thought.
well, it's a thought that is like a wall. like i need to break
through that or something.
>you do what you do. may seem a bit intense at times, but shit, stuff got done.
>i hope you didn't cut your hair off, btw.
oh, i am. on wednesday. i might now cut it short tho... but it's so
long that it really hurts to comb it now. so i might cut a foot off,
just to make it easier.
>you have to put the 'goop' as you call it, on every 7 days, and wet
>comb the eggs out as well just to be on the safe side...experience
>talking here.
yah well, that was a problem, combing. impossible. i have a *lot* of hair.
but the lice seem gone, no itch for days. whew.
-e
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